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12 Days before Xmas

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	                   THE 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
                   ------------------------

14TH DECEMBER

My Dearest Darling John,
    I  went to the door today and the postman delivered a 
partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. Thank 
you darling for the lovely thought.

                         With Deep LOVE & AFFECTION Always,
                              Your everloving AGNES

15TH DECEMBER

My Dearest John,
     Today the postman brought your very sweet gift - two
Turtle Doves. I am delighted. They are adorable.
                             
                             All My Love,
                                 Your everloving AGNES

16TH DECEMBER

Dearest John,
     Oh how extravagent you are. I really must protest.
I don't deserve such generosity. Three French hens - I
insist you are too kind.

                                Your Loving AGNES.

17TH DECEMBER

Dearest John,
     The four Calling Birds I received today are lovely, and 
should be good company for the hens, doves & Partridge.
I really must think of getting a aviary.
                                 
                                 Your Loving AGNES.

18TH DECEMBER

Dear John,
     What a surprise, today the postman delivered five Gold
Rings - one for every finger. You are really impossible,
But I love you. Frankly, though, all the birds are beginning
to squawk and get on my nerves.

                                 Regards, AGNES

19TH DECEMBER

Dear John,
     When I opened the door this morning, there were actually
six bloody great geese laying eggs all over the front step.
What on earth do you think I can do with them all? The
neighbours are beginning to smell them, and I can't sleep.
Please stop.
                            
                                 Cordially yours, AGNES

20TH DECEMBER

John,
     What is it with you and these rotten birds? Now I get
seven Swans-A-Swimming. Is it some sort of Goddamned Joke?
The house is full of bird shit, and it's not funny anymore.
Stop sending bloody birds.
                         
                                 Yours, AGNES


21ST DECEMBER

O.K. Buster,
     I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going
to do with eight Maids-A-Milking? If it wasn't enough with
all those birds - now I have eight cows shitting all over 
the house and mooing all night. Lay Off.
                                
                                 AGNES

22ND DECEMBER

Look Dickhead,
     What are you? some kind of nut? now I have nine pipers
playing, and they ever play. When they're not playing
their bloody pipes, they keep chasing the maids through the
cow shit. The cows keep mooing and treading all over the
bloody birds. The neighbours are now threatening to have
me evicted. Get notted.
               
                                 AGNES

23RD DECEMBER

You Rotten Bastard,
     Now we have ten ladies dancing. How on earth anyone
can call these Whores "LADIES" is beyond me. They're
pulling the pipers all night long. The cows can't sleep and
have Diarrhoea - my living room is a sea of shit. The Landlord
has just declared the building unfit for habitation.
Piss Off.
          
                                 AGNES

24TH DECEMBER

Listen Shitface,
     What with eleven Lords-A-Leaping all over the Maids -
well, we shall never walk again. The pipers are fighting
the Lords for the crumpet, and committing sodomy with the
cows. The birds are dead and are rotting, having been
trampled during the orgy. I hope you are satisfied, You
swine.
         
                                 Your Sworn Enemy, AGNES

25TH DECEMBER,


You Stinking Lousy Shit,
     The twelve Drummers drumming have teamed with the 
Pipers in making one hell of a bleeding din. Both lots have
been buggering the Lords as well as the cows, and who knows
what happened to the Milk Maids? They've probably drowned
in the cow shit by now. The only way I've saved myself from
getting screwed to death is by hiding in that bloody Pear Tree,
which has been so well fertilised that it's grown through the 
roof.
    
                                 Thank God it's finally Christmas,
                                 AGNES.

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