Jokes >> Yo Mamma

Yo Mamma

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	  Date: 11-23-93  13:48
  Subj: CANONICAL LIST OF LANGUAG
hjiwa@nor.chevron.com (Stuffed Turkey), via Kralizec 3:713/602

Canonical List Of Language Expressions Humor  (Linguistic Linguini)
Archive-Name: LanguageExpr
Last-Modified: 93/11/23
Version: 1.12

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(Wendell Hoyseth), ez021648@hamlet.ucdavis.edu (Steph)

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== YO MAMA AND DADDY LANGUAGE HUMOR                                           
===============================================================================

>IMPROVED<

Are those yo mama's tits, or did Laurel and Hardy leave her their heads?
Does yo mama sell potato chips?  I saw her on the street corner with a sign that
   said "25 cent Lays!"
Excuse me, I can't seem to find my dick. Mind if I look in yo mama's mouth?
I just saw yo mama walking down the hall with a matress straped to her back
   asking for volunteers!
I researched yo entire family tree...it seems that you were the sap.
I saved yo mama life today...I killed a shit-eating dog on the way over.
I saw yo mama at the freak show petting the world's largest turtle.
I told yo mama to act her age, so she keeled over and died.
I would have been yo daddy, but the dog beat me upstairs.
I would have been yo daddy, but the guy in front of me had exact change.
How does yo mama know when she has her period?  She can taste the blood on your
   dick!
If I had change for a buck, I could have been yo daddy!
If my dog had a face as ugly as yo mama's, I'd shave his ass and make him walk
   backwards.
If ugly was bricks, yo mama would be the Empire State Building.
Is that an accent, or is yo mama's mouth just full of sperm?
The best part of you landed on yo mama's chin.
The best part of you ran down yo mama's leg.
The difference between yo mama and a rooster?  The rooster says cock-a-doodle
   doo, yo mama says any-cock'll do.
They say that beauty is only a light switch away; with yo mama, I had to use a
   black light.
When yo mama said that she wanted to get an all-over tan, she was expecting too
   much from the sun.
Yo daddy should have pulled out and left you on the sheets.
Yo daddy should have settled for a blow job.
Yo daddy so poor that if he didn't wake up with a hard-on, he had nothing to
   play with all day.
Yo family tree leads back to a cactus full of pricks.
Yo mama drives a peanut.
Yo mama got a' afro, wit' a chin strap!
Yo mama got a bald head with a part and sideburns.
Yo mama got a metal afro with rusty sideburns.
Yo mama got a peg leg, wit' a kickstand!  (from Eddie Murphy)
Yo mama got so much hair under her arms, it looks like she's got Buckwheat in a
   headlock.
Yo mama got two wooden legs and one is one backward.
Yo mama hair is so nappy, she has to take Tylenol just to comb it.
Yo mama hair is so short, she curls it with rice.
Yo mama has 10 fingers - all on the same hand.
Yo mama has 4 eyes and 2 pair of sunglasses.
Yo mama has a 'fro with warning lights.
Yo mama has a glass eye with a fish in it.
Yo mama has a short arm and can't applaud.
Yo mama has a short leg and walks in circles.
Yo mama has a wooden afro with an "X" carved in the back.
Yo mama has green hair and thinks she's a tree.
Yo mama has one ear and has to take off her hat to hear what you're saying.
Yo mama has one hand and a Clapper.
Yo mama has one leg and a bicycle.
Yo mama has so much hair on her upper lip, she braids it.
Yo mama is missing a finger and can't count past 9.
Yo mama likes little boys, and so do you!
Yo mama said she liked seafood, so I gave her crabs.
Yo mama so backwards, she sits on the T.V. and watches the couch.
Yo mama so black, she can leave fingerprints on charcoal.
Yo mama so black, she has to wear white gloves when she eats Tootsie Rolls to
   keep from eating her fingers.
Yo mama so black, when the police shot at her, the bullets came back to get
   flashlights. (from "In Living Color")
Yo mama so clumsy, she got tangled up in a cordless phone.
Yo mama so dark, she went to night school and was marked absent.
Yo mama so dirty, she has to creep up on bathwater.
Yo mama so dumb that under "Education" on her job application, she put "Hooked
   on Phonics."
Yo mama so dumb that when she read on her job application to not write below the
   dotted line, she put "O.K."
Yo mama so dumb, she cooked her own complimentary breakfast.
Yo mama so dumb, she got a job climbing trees because she wanted to be branch
   manager.
Yo mama so dumb, she got hit by a cup and told the police that she got mugged.
Yo mama so dumb, she got stabbed at a shoot-out.
Yo mama so dumb, she jumped out the window and went up.
Yo mama so dumb, she put out the cigarette butt that was heating your house.
Yo mama so dumb, she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.
Yo mama so dumb, she stole free bread.
Yo mama so dumb, she thinks Johnny Cash is a pay toilet!
Yo mama so dumb, she thinks socialism means partying!
Yo mama so dumb, she thought a quarterback was a refund.
Yo mama so dumb, she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
Yo mama so dumb, she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.
Yo mama so dumb, she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
Yo mama so dumb, she took a spoon to the Super Bowl.
Yo mama so dumb, she took an umbrella to see Purple Rain.
Yo mama so dumb, she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.
Yo mama so dumb, when asked on an application, "Sex?", she marked, "M, F and
   sometimes Wednesday too."
Yo mama so easy, when she heard Santa Claus say HO HO HO, she thought she was
   getting it three times.
Yo mama so fat and old that when God said "Let there be Light", he told her
   to move her fat butt out of the way.
Yo mama so fat and ugly that when she auditioned for the part of E.T., she
   caused an eclipse by riding her bike in front of the moon.
Yo mama so fat that she left the house in high heels and but came back wearing
   flip flops.
Yo mama was so fat that when she was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks.
Yo mama so fat that when I tried to drive around her, I ran out of gas.
Yo mama so fat that when she bungee jumps, she goes straight to hell.
Yo mama so fat that when she sits on the beach, Greenpeace shows up and tries to
   tow her back into the ocean.
Yo mama so fat that when we went to the drive-in, we didn't have to pay because
   we dressed her up as a Chevrolet.
Yo mama so fat, a picture of her would fall off the wall!
Yo mama so fat, at the zoo, the elephants started throwing her peanuts.
Yo mama so fat, every time she wears high heels, she strikes oil.
Yo mama so fat, her college graduation picture was an aerial photo.
Yo mama so fat, I had to slap her thigh and ride the wave in.
Yo mama so fat, if she got her shoes shined, she'd have to take his word for it!
Yo mama so fat, if she wears fishnet stockings, they'd better be 50 pound test!
Yo mama so fat, if she weighed five more pounds, she could get group insurance!
Yo mama so fat, it takes her two trips to haul ass.
Yo mama so fat, it took the Boy Scouts three days to hike around her.
Yo mama so fat, she broke her leg and gravy fell out.
Yo mama so fat, she can't even tie her own shoes.
Yo mama so fat, she can't reach her back pocket.
Yo mama so fat, she fell in love and broke it.
Yo mama so fat, she get clothes in three sizes: extra large, jumbo, and
   oh-my-god-it's-coming-towards-us!
Yo mama so fat, she got hit by a truck and asked "Who threw that rock?"
Yo mama so fat, she had to go to Sea World to get baptized.
Yo mama so fat, she has her own zip code.
Yo mama so fat, she has to buy two airline tickets.
Yo mama so fat, she has to iron her pants on the driveway.
Yo mama so fat, she has to pull down her pants to get into her pockets.
Yo mama so fat, she has to strap a beeper on her belt to warn people she was
   backing up.
Yo mama so fat, she influences the tides.
Yo mama so fat, she irons her clothes in the driveway.
Yo mama so fat, she keeps her diaphragm in a pizza box.
Yo mama so fat, she jumped up in the air and got stuck.
Yo mama so fat, she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller.
Yo mama so fat, she sat on a rainbow and made Skittles.
Yo mama so fat, she sat on a dollar and squeezed a booger out of George
   Washington's nose.
Yo mama so fat, she sets off car alarms every time she walks into a parking lot.
Yo mama so fat, she shows up on radar.
Yo mama so fat, she stands in two time zones.
Yo mama so fat, she uses a mattress as a maxi-pad.
Yo mama so fat, she uses a mattress as a tampon.
Yo mama so fat, she uses a pillow case as a sock.
Yo mama so fat, she uses Saturn's rings as a Hula Hoop.
Yo mama so fat, she was baptized at Marine World.
Yo mama so fat, she's on both sides of the family.
Yo mama so fat, the animals at the zoo feed her.
Yo mama so fat, the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn".
Yo mama so fat, they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a
   tunnel when they want to clean it.
Yo mama so fat, they use the elastic from her underwear as a bungee cord.
Yo mama so fat, when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too.
Yo mama so fat, when she fell over and broke her leg, gravy poured out.
Yo mama so fat, when she fell over she rocked herself asleep trying to get up
   again.
Yo mama so fat, when she goes to an all-you-can-eat buffet, they have to install
   speed bumps.
Yo mama so fat, when she goes to an all-you-can-eat buffet, they go out of
   business the next day.
Yo mama so fat, when she got hit by a bus, she said, "Who threw that rock?"
Yo mama so fat, when she sits around the house, she sits AROUND the house.
Yo mama so fat, when she sits on my face, I can't hear the stereo.
Yo mama so fat, when she steps on a scale, it read "...to be continued".
Yo mama so fat, when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time, please".
Yo mama so fat, when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th.
Yo mama so fat, when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said "Taxi!".
Yo mama so fat, when she wears her "X" jacket, helicopters try to land on her.
Yo mama so grouchy, the McDonalds she works in doesn't even serve Happy Meals.
Yo mama so hairy that Bigfoot stole her camera and took pictures of her.
Yo mama so nasty, she pours salt water down her pants to keep her crabs fresh.
Yo mama so nasty, when she goes to a hair salon, she told the stylist to cut
   her hair and she opened up her shirt.
Yo mama so nasty, when I called her up for phone sex, she gave me an ear
   infection.
Yo mama so nice, she'll give ya the hair right off her back.
Yo mama so old that when she was in school there was no history class.
Yo mama so old, I told her to act her age and the bitch dropped dead.
Yo mama so old, her birth certificate is in Roman numerals.
Yo mama so old, her birth certificate says 'expired' on it.
Yo mama so old, her birthday's expired.
Yo mama so old, she co-wrote one of the ten commandments.
Yo mama so old, she farts out dust.
Yo mama so old, she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook.
Yo mama so old, she knew Burger King while he was still a prince.
Yo mama so old, she owes Jesus a nickel.
Yo mama so old, she sat behind Jesus in the third grade.
Yo mama so old, she was a waitress at the Last Supper.
Yo mama so old, when God said "Let their be light", she flipped the switch.
Yo mama so old, when Moses parted the Red Sea, she was on the other side.
Yo mama so poor that the only thing she gave you for Christmas was syphilis.
Yo mama so poor, her face is on the front of a food stamp.
Yo mama so poor, she can't even afford to pay attention.
Yo mama so poor, she goes to Kentucky Fried Chicken to lick other people's
   fingers.
Yo mama so poor, she married young just to get the rice!
Yo mama so poor, she went to McDonald's and put a milkshake on layaway.
Yo mama so poor, the only time she smelled hot food was when a rich man farted!
Yo mama so poor, when your family watches TV, they go to Ed Kelleys.
Yo mama so poor, your family at cereal with a fork to save milk.
Yo mama so short, she can play handball on the curb.
Yo mama so short, she models for trophies.
Yo mama so short, you can see her feet on her driver's license.
Yo mama so skinny, she has to run around in the shower to get wet.
Yo mama so skinny, she turned sideways and dissapeared.
Yo mama so skinny, she uses a Band-Aid as a maxi-pad.
Yo mama so skinny, she uses Cheerios as a Hula Hoop.
Yo mama so smelly that her feet even send Al Bundy into shock.
Yo mama so smelly that her shit is glad to escape.
Yo mama so smelly that she gets sourdough yeast infections.
Yo mama so stupid that she go hit by a parked car.
Yo mama so stupid that she sold the car for gas money.
Yo mama so stupid that she went to a Clippers game to get a hair cut.
Yo mama so stupid that she went to a Whalers game to see Shamu.
Yo mama so stupid, I saw her in the frozen food section with a fishing rod.
Yo mama so stupid, it takes her a half hour to make minute rice.
Yo mama so stupid, it took her two hours to watch "60 Minutes".
Yo mama so stupid, she asked you "What is the number for 911".
Yo mama so stupid, she called Dan Quayle for a spell check.
Yo mama so stupid, she put lipstick on her forehead talking about how she was
   trying to make up her mind.
Yo mama so stupid, she thinks manual labor is a Mexican.
Yo mama so stupid, she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your telephone bill.
Yo mama so stupid, she told everyone that she was "illegitimate" because she
   couldn't read.
Yo mama so stupid, that she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away
   all the W's.
Yo mama so stupid, when she had you, she was happy.
Yo mama so stupid, when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she
   went home and got 16 friends.
Yo mama so stupid, when she went to take the number 44 bus, she took the 22
   twice instead.
Yo mama so stupid, when yo daddy say it was chilly outside, she ran outside
   with a spoon.
Yo mama so tall, she did a back-flip and kicked Jesus in the mouth.
Yo mama so tall, she tripped over a rock and hit her head on the moon.
Yo mama so tall, she tripped in Michigan and hit her head in Florida.
Yo mama so ugly that Rice Crispies won't even talk to her.
Yo mama so ugly, her mama had to be drunk to breast feed her.
Yo mama so ugly, her mama had to feed her with a sling shot.
Yo mama so ugly, her mama had to tie a steak around yo mama's neck to get the
   dog to play with her.
Yo mama so ugly, that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't
   have to kiss her goodbye.
Yo mama so ugly, her face is closed on weekends!
Yo mama so ugly, if ugly were bricks, she would be her own project.
Yo mama so ugly, if my dog looked like her, I'd shave its ass and teach it to
   walk backwards!
Yo mama so ugly, if she joined an ugly contest, they'd say "Sorry, no
   professionals!"
Yo mama so ugly, if she stuck her head out the window, they'd arrest her for
   mooning!
Yo mama so ugly, instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they
   put it around her neck.
Yo mama so ugly, just after she was born, her mama said "What a treasure!" and
   her daddy said "Yes, let's go bury it."
Yo mama so ugly, people go as her for Halloween.
Yo mama so ugly, she could be the poster child for abortion/birth control!
Yo mama so ugly, she could scare the chrome off a bumper!
Yo mama so ugly, she could scare the moss off a rock!
Yo mama so ugly, she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween.
Yo mama so ugly, she had to trick or treat over the phone when she was young.
Yo mama so ugly, she looks like her face caught on fire and someone tried to put
   it out with an ax.
Yo mama so ugly, she made an onion cry.
Yo mama so ugly, she scares the roaches away.
Yo mama so ugly, she was once viciously gang-dressed by a group of Hell's
   Angels. (adapted from Joan Rivers)
Yo mama so ugly, the government moved Halloween to her birthday.
Yo mama so ugly, the psychiatrist makes her lie facedown.
Yo mama so ugly, they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Star
   Wars.
Yo mama so ugly, they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower.
Yo mama so ugly, they know what time she was born, because her face stopped the
   clock.
Yo mama so ugly, they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints.
Yo mama was so ugly, they used to push her face into dough to make gorilla
   biscuits.
Yo mama so ugly, when she smiles, her teeth look like dice.
Yo mama so ugly, when she walks down the street in September, people say "Damn,
   is it Halloween already?"
Yo mama so ugly, when she walks into a bank, they turn the surveillance cameras
   off.
Yo mama so ugly, when she was born, her daddy told her mama "That's the last
   time we butt fuck!"
Yo mama so ugly, when she was born, her mama said, "Wait, don't flush, it has
   eyes!"
Yo mama so ugly, when she was born, her mama saw the afterbirth and said
   "Twins!"
Yo mama so ugly, when she was born, the doctor said "I think it is a child..."
Yo mama so ugly, when she was born, the doctor screamed "Put it BACK!  PUT IT
   BACK!!!"
Yo mama so ugly, when she was born, the doctor slapped HER mama!
Yo mama so ugly, yo daddy first laid eyes on her at the pound.
Yo mama so white, when she smiles her teeth look yellow.
Yo mama so wrinkled, she has to screw her hat on.
Yo mama twice the man you are.
Yo mama was born on Independence Day and can't remember her birthday.
Yo mama was in K-Mart with a box of Hefty bags. I said, "What ya doin'?"  She
   said, "Buying luggage."
Yo mama was kicking a can down the street. I said, "What ya doin'?" She said,
   "Moving."
Yo mama watches "The Three Stooges" and takes notes.
Yo mama waves around a popsickle stick and calls it air conditioning.
Yo mama wears a Nike tag on her weave so now everybody calls her Hair Jordan.
Yo mama's arms are so short, she has to tilt her head to scratch her ear.
Yo mama's blind and seeing another man.
Yo mama's breath smell so bad, when she yawns, her teeth duck.
Yo mama's cross-eyed and watches TV in stereo.
Yo mama's glasses are so thick she can see into the future.
Yo mama's glasses are so thick that when she looks on a map, she can see people
   waving.
Yo mama's got a bald head with a part and sideburns.
Yo mama's got a metal afro with rusty sideburns.
Yo mama's got a wooden leg with branches.
Yo mama's got hair on her tongue and she gargles with curl activator.
Yo mama's got a mouth so big, she speaks in surround sound.
Yo mama's got snakeskin teeth.
Yo mama's got so many teeth missing, it looks like her tongue is in jail.
Yo mama's got three fingers and a banjo.
Yo mama's got three teeth...one in her mouth and two in her pocket.
Yo mama's got two wooden legs and one is one backward.
Yo mama's hair is so nappy, she has to take Tylenol just to comb it.
Yo mama's hair is so short, she curls it with rice.
Yo mama's head is so short, she took a shower and got brain-washed.
Yo mama's head is so small, she got her ear pierced and died.
Yo mama's head is so small, she use a tea-bag as a pillow.
Yo mama's hips are so big, people set their drinks on them.
Yo mama's house is so small that when she orders a large pizza, she has to go
   outside to eat it.
Yo mama's house is so small that you have to go outside to change your mind.
Yo mama's house so dirty, she has to wipe her feet before she goes outside.
Yo mama's in a wheelchair and says, "You ain't gonna punch me 'round no more."
Yo mama's legs have never met!
Yo mama's like 7-Up...never had it, never will.
Yo mama's like a birthday cake, everybody gets a piece.
Yo mama's like a bowling ball, she always comes back for more.
Yo mama's like a bowling ball, she always winds up in the gutter.
Yo mama's like a bowling ball; she gets picked up, fingered, thrown in the
   gutter, and still comes back for more.
Yo mama's like a bowling ball, you can fit three fingers in.
Yo mama's like a bubble-gum machine, five cents a blow.
Yo mama's like a bus; guys climb on and off her all day long.
Yo mama's like a cake mix, 15 servings per package.
Yo mama's like a Christmas tree; everybody hangs balls on her.
Yo mama's like a door knob, everybody gets a turn.
Yo mama's like a goalie; she changes her pads after three periods.
Yo mama's like a hardware store, 2 cents a screw.
Yo mama's like a light switch, even a little kid can turn her on.
Yo mama's like a police station, dicks going in and out all night.
Yo mama's like a postage stamp, you lick her, stick her, then send her away.
Yo mama's like a race car driver...she burns a lot of rubbers.
Yo mama's like a railroad track; she gets laid all over the country.
Yo mama's like a rifle...four cocks and she's loaded.
Yo mama's like a screen door; the harder you bang her, the looser she gets.
Yo mama's like a shotgun...give her a cock and she blows.
Yo mama's like a smokehouse, everyone is always hanging meat inside her.
Yo mama's like a Toyota; oh, what a feelin'!
Yo mama's like a T.V. A two year old could turn her on.
Yo mama's like a vacuum cleaner, a real good suck.
Yo mama's like a waiter; eventually, she serves everyone in the room.
Yo mama's like an ice cream cone... everyone gets a lick.
Yo mama's like Burger King, you can have her your way.
Yo mama's like Chinese food, sweet and sour and cheap.
Yo mama's like Crazy Eddie; she's practically giving it all away.
Yo mama's like Denny's...open 24 hours.
Yo mama's like McDonalds... Billions and Billions served.
Yo mama's like Orange Crush...good vibrations!
Yo mama's like Pan Am, overseas and everywhere else.
Yo mama's like mustard, she spreads easy.
Yo mama's middle name is Rambo.
You keep yo mama out of my neighborhood, and I'll keep my neighborhood out of
   yo mama.

Okay...let's get off the topic of yo mama...'cause I just got off of yours...

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