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Answering Machine Messages
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CANONICAL LIST OF ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES
Maintained by Alan Silverstein, ajs@ajs.fc.hp.com
Last update: 930429
Total entries: 202
A compendium of humorous answering machine messages from
rec.humor* and other sources.
Criteria: Humorousness; uniqueness of essence (minimize
redundancy); avoid gender bias, ethnic slurs, and other really
offensive material; correct spelling and grammar. Exclude
related humor that is not actually an answering machine message.
Keep in no particular order, but try to group similar themes
together -- I'm open to suggestions on better ordering.
-- machine theme ---
Well I finally got an answering machine. Now how does this
thing work? Hmmm. Press record button, I did that, and the
light should be on. I wonder why it's not working right.
Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does...
How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand
the instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens
if I touch this... YOW!
You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go
on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to
say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've
decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my
caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long
answering machine message when you call me...
(Drawling granny voice:) Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we
didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht
had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum
people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a
lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot.
You have reached 934-2435. We picked this machine up at a
garage sale in "as-is" condition. You can try to leave a
message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we
don't return your call, it means the machine did not work.
Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting
down to test: 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...
C'mon... you can do it... just a little one. That's the
way... just a little beep, just a little one. C'mon... good
boy... here we go... like this -- beeeeep, just a little one,
beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon... There you go!
Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it!
Don't you beep! If you beep, I'll... don't even think about
it!... Don't...!
No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No!
Please! Not the beep! Anything but the beep!
AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?
Hi, this is John's answering machine. He's not here, but I'm
open to suggestions.
Hi, this is John's answering machine again. He's gone and left
me for a sleazy microwave he met at Krazy Eddy's. Life sucks.
Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his
refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your
message to myself with one of these magnets.
Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in
the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the
toast is done... (Cachunk!)
Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just
eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls. Say,
if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just
hold it up to the phone.
Lindsey's not home now. This is his domestic droid speaking.
I'm not programmed to answer the phone, so just leave a message,
and Lindsey will get back to you as soon as possible.
Hello. This is Ron's answering machine, Marvin, and I'm SO
depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner,
but all I get to do is answer the phone. Life. Don't talk to
me about life. Just leave your name and number after the beep.
Here comes the beep, God how I hate that beep, it's so cheery
sounding.
Voice 1: Answer the phone, please, Hal.
Voice 2: I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that.
Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving
messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub,
and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the
office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with
me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
(Computer generated voices:)
1: Hello, there are no real people here to answer the phone
right now.
2: Yeah, nobody but us machines!
1: Right, just us machines, but don't hang up! If you like,
you can leave your name and telephone number...
2: ...and a message! You forgot about the message!
1: Right. Leave your name, telephone number, and a brief
message after you hear the beep, and we will keep track of
this stuff until the real people get back.
2: ...unless of course, sombody pulls out our plug!
1: I didn't expect an answering machine.
2: Nobody expects an answering machine.
1: Our chief use is to get your name. And your phone number.
2: Our two chief uses are to get your name and your phone number.
1: And message. Damn.
2: Our three uses are to get your name, phone number, and message.
1: And time you called.
2: Oh, damn, we'll have to start over.
1: No time for that, so just wait for the beep.
(Kazoo band playing "Thus Spake Zarathustra":) Thinking you
were making an ordinary phone call, you have instead reached...
(TA-DAAAAA!) the ANSWERING MACHINE! Leave your name and
number, and we will get back to you as soon as we can.
(Rod Serling imitation:) You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a
world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows
explode. You see a signpost up ahead -- this is no ordinary
telephone answering device... You have reached, "The Twilight
Phone".
Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim,
push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to
Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong
number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button
pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off
anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone
system.
(Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a
message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your
name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your
name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave
your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for
extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want
to leave your number and the time you called, please press star
twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP
Hi, you've reached the home of George Ledec. If you are calling
to collect a student loan, gambling debt, or other obligation,
please press 1 and hang up now. If you are selling any product
or service, or requesting charitable donations, please press 2
and hang up now. Otherwise, press 3 and leave your message now.
Pressing 3 is optional.
(After a power outage:) Hi, this is Ralph. The good news is
that my power is back on. The bad news for you is, so is my
answering machine. So, leave a message.
(Start, low pitch, slow:) Hhhhheeelllllloooooo thheeeerrrrrrre
evvvvveerrrryyyboooodyyyy... (Middle, normal:) ...home of
Veronica, Jaw-Chyi, Mark and Mike. Nobody's home... (Later,
high pitch, fast:) ...liketoleaveamessageafterthetonethen...
(End, incomprehensible chipmunk gibberish:)
...kkfjdkeirucjkljfklreudjfkleqBEEP
This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic
thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your
name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach
you, and I'll think about returning your call.
--- authority figures ---
Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy. No KG... Er, no
diplomats are able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist
tone, leave name, telephone number, and short description of
secrets you wish to sell.
Hello. This is Nonoxynol-9, the personal and private telephone
number of Mikhail Vladivostok Gorbachev, General Secretary of
the Supreme Council of the glorious Communist Party of the Union
of Sovjet Socialist Republics, Commander-In-Chief of the
Combined Armies of the Proletariat Peoples of Russia, First
Citizen of the Order of Lenin, Supreme Patron of the Soviet
Institute of Literature and Domestic Sciences, President of the
Soviet People's Council of Peace and Happiness and Captain of
the Kremlin B Squash Team. But hey, call me Mike.
The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave
your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to
invade, and the secret password.
(Militaristic mechanical voice:)
FOXTROT-LIMA-ALPHA-SIERRA-HOTEL. KEY-DESTRUCT-SEQUENCE-NOW.
THIS-TERMINAL-ALSO-ACCEPTS-VOICE-MESSAGES.
You have reached the Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missile
Storage Facility. We are unable to come to the phone right now.
At the tone, please leave your name, number, and target or list
of targets, and we'll launch as soon as we can. And have a nice
day.
You just dialed into the North American Air Defense Contract
Center. Stand by at the tone to give coordinates and
destination of incoming bogey. TNR Surveillance will scramble.
If you do not respond, this unit will assume incoming,
non-urgent.
(In Joe Friday voice:) This is Constable Augie of the Canadian
Security and Intelligence Service. The phone line you have just
dialed is currently under investigation on a warrant issued by
the Attorney General of Canada. To facilitate our
investigation, we would appreciate you leaving your name,
number, a brief message, and any affiliations you may have made
now, or in the past, with communist or terrorist organizations.
Thank you.
Vancouver Coast Guard, may I help you. (Caller thinks they
dialed long distance.)
(Annoying flute music in background:) Good day, Jim. Your
contact, Linda, is not available right now. Your mission,
should you choose to accept it, is to leave your name, number,
and a brief message at the tone. This tape will self-destruct
in thirty seconds. Good Luck, Jim.
"I'm Morley Safer." "I'm Harry Reasoner." "And I'm Fred."
"We're not home; leave a message."
This is Walter Cronkite. Bren's not here right now. He's out
on a date. The idea of Bren entertaining a girl with his
basketball theories and computer knowledge over dinner at Taco
Bell should scare the hell out of you. He'll probably be home
soon, so leave your name and number and he'll call you back.
Deal with it.
(Imitating Mr. Rogers:) Hello. I'm in the Neighborhood of
Make Believe right now, so I can't come to the phone. Can you
leave your name and number when you hear the sound of the tone?
Sure... I knew you could.
Kemosabe no in tipi now. You leave'um message after little
smoke signal, and Kemosabe get back for pow-wow real fast.
Hello, this is Rip van Winkle. I'm not awake to take your call
right now. Please leave your message at the sound of the snore.
Hi, you've reached 1-900-CALL-BREN, my personal message line
where you can talk to me, Bren. I'll tell you all about how I'm
suffering in between sports seasons and about my part time hobby
of being a power forward for the Portland Trailblazers. I'll
tell my deepest secrets, such as my desire to be kidnapped by
short blonde sorority girls wearing short jean skirts, and you
can decide whether or not I'm wearing pants. Selected callers
will get to talk to me live. Since you're not one of them,
leave your own personal secret at the beep.
This is Dr. Ruth, Sexually Speaking, you're on the air...
(In a bored voice:) Heaven, God speaking...
Hello, epicenter of the Universe, God speaking. If you leave
your name, number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you
back as soon as I can. Please note that I answer all prayers,
but sometimes the answer is NO. Bless you, my child, and have a
nice day.
Lucifer speaking. Who in hell do you want?
Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave
your name and number, I'll be right with you.
E'llo. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Leave
your name and number, and prepare to die.
--- odd organizations ---
Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole. Right now, all our assholes
are busy. After the tone, leave your name and number, and we'll
have an asshole return your call as soon as possible.
This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave
your name and number, and recite a sentence using today's
vocabulary word. Today's word is "supercilious".
Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline. Father Durway's
not here right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, and
confession at the tone, he'll get back to you with absolution as
soon as possible. And remember, confession doesn't count unless
you confess all of your sins in vivid, graphic detail!
Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible.
Today's commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not... er... Bear
a... er... Shalt not witness thy... uh... Neighbor's ass,
Oh, I mean, false... er... Shalt not commit a bear... Dern...
(Play Gregorian chants in the background:) Hello Brother or
Sister. You have reached the Cubicals of Curtis, Chris, and
Jim. We are in vespers and thus unable to answer your call, but
if you will leave your name, number, and a brief message, we
will consider breaking our vow of silence and returning your
call. Please speak loudly, clearly, and in tongues.
(To scare off annoying liberals:) Hello, and thank you for
calling the Bush in 50 Campaign. Your five dollar donation to
get George Bush re-elected in all 50 states will automatically
be charged to your phone bill. If you would like to leave a
message...
You have reached the Suicide Prevention Hotline. All our lines
are busy now, but if you leave your name and number, someone
will get back to you as soon as possible.
Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency.
We know how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the
tone, please hang up.
Thank you for calling Uncle Tom's Mortuary and Delicatessen.
You stab 'em and we slab 'em. We have specials on Mondays and
Thursdays. We are currently unable to come to the phone, but if
you leave your number and address at the tone, we'll be by to
pick up the corpse as soon as possible.
(French monologue in the background:) Around the world today,
millions still speak French as either a first or second
language. But with your continued support and help, we can wipe
out French in our lifetime. Please leave a message in English
at the tone, and remember, if someone tries to speak French to
you, just say, "non".
Thank you for phoning the Save the Sasquatch Hotline. Our
operators do not exist at the moment, but if you wish to make a
contribution, please leave your name, number, and the amount of
your bequest at the sound of the beep, and something will get
back to you shortly. Your help will enable us to bring these
delightful creatures back from the brink of fantasy and find
them suitable positions in the forest product industry. Your
gift is, of course, reality deductible. Thank you again, and
have a nice day.
Hello! This is 1-800-PRESLEY. Yes! 1-800-PRESLEY! They say
the King died 10 years ago, but we know he's still out there
somewhere. So... Leave your name and number and tell us where
YOU saw Elvis!
Hi, dudes, this is 229-3053, the Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles'
secret underground hideaway. I'm afraid we're all out just now
on a desperate mission to save the Planet from boring answering
machine messages, but if you know what The Shredder has done to
April O'Neill, or if you know where he is, or if you can think
of a decent pizza recipe, just leave your name and number and
we'll ring you right back. But don't say anything yet! Enemy
agents may be listening. When the computer has checked they're
not eavesdropping, it will make a bleeping noise and you can
speak freely.
Sherwood Forest. Which dear do you want?
Hello, this is KVKE, you're on the air.
(or)
Hello, you're caller number nine!
Next on Public Radio 91 we'll be hearing music of Antonin
Dvorak. This is the Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72...
This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine
Broadcast System. This is only a test.
Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone
right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number,
then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to
mind when you hear the following words: orange... mother...
unicorn... penis. I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as
soon as possible.
Greetings. You've reached Ghengis Kahn's Pornographic Films
Unlimited. Fabian, Pat, Rex and Mike are still conducting
screen tests with potential leading ladies to star opposite the
late John Holmes in our upcoming feature film, "It's Not the
Size That Counts but Whether or Not You're Alive to Use It." If
you're interested in a screen test, or even if you're not,
please leave us your name, age, phone number, measurements, cup
size, a brief summary of your work experience, both off and on
the screen, and a brief summary of your favorite fantasy
involving four men, a pair of handcuffs, and a tub of Cool Whip.
Thank you for calling.
You've reached the B&D Hotline. All our operators are tied up
right now, so if you leave a name, number, a list of
transgressions, and bark like a dog, we'll get right back to you
with your penance.
(In the background can be heard springs creaking and various
moans; husky, soft female voice is best:) Hi... You've just
reached Sharon's Pleasure Palace. We're all busy as I'm sure
you can tell, but when we're done... we'll get back to you in
whatever way we can.
Thank you for calling Robert's House of Love. All of our
customer service representatives are, er... busy servicing
customers, so at the sound of the erotic tone, leave your name,
number, and a short description of whatever turns you on...
--- mainly musical theme ---
(Sung to the tune of "Ride of the Valkyries":)
Leave a message... Leave a message...
(To the tune of "Heartbreak Hotel" with appropriate music:) I
just left home baby, I'll be out fer a spell, and if you don't
leave a message baby, you can go to BEEP
(Pink Floyd's "Nobody Home":) You have reached 587-8783.
Please leave a message. ("Ohhhhhhhhh, babe... When I pick up
the phone... There's still... Nobody home.")
(Jimmy Buffett's "This Hotel Room:") "I ain't home, I ain't
home, you better leave a message 'cause I ain't home."
(To the tune of "Smells Like Teen Spirit" by Nirvana:) Hello,
Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, No one's here, No one's home,
Leave a message, At the tone. Don't feel stupid, Its no big
fuss, Leave a message, You can reach us.
Hello, this is the Computer Music Research Institute of
Portland, Oregon. We can't take your call at the moment, but we
would like you to leave a critique of one of our current works
in progress. BEEP
(Theme from "Raiders of the Lost Ark" in the background:)
You've reached the residence of John and Tom. We can't come to
the phone right now, because we're cleaning the refrigerator.
Please leave your name and number, and we'll get back to you.
--- family fun ---
Hello, this is the Brown residence. We're in the middle of a
family fight right now. Leave your name and number at the beep
and whoever wins will call you right back.
Steve: Hello. Steve and Matt aren't here right now, but if...
Matt: Steve, what are you doing?
Steve: I'm leaving a phone message since we aren't here.
Matt: But you left the last one -- it's my turn.
Steve: No, I'm sure it's my turn.
Matt: No, you're wrong. It's definitely my turn.
Steve: You fool, I know it's... Wait... Matt... What are you
doing with that frying pan? (BONK... THUD)
Matt: Steve is out right now, so please leave your name and
number.
This is Fred. We are not... excuse me a moment, please. Put
your sister down. PUT YOUR SISTER DOWN! (Sound of window
breaking.) Great! What a mess. I'll have to get back to you
later.
Hello. I can't come to the phone now because -- HEY, GEORGE!
DON'T STAND ON THAT! ...Goddamn... Because I've invited George
and Barbara Bush over... (Loud music cuts in:) BARBARA! HEY!
DON'T FUCK WITH THAT! ...Over for dinner. After the tone...
BARBARA, CALL YOUR DOG... MILLIE! DOWN GIRL! ...Shit...
Leave a message after the tone...
(Whole family crowds around, including screaming babies and
noisy pets; to the tune of "Frere Jacques":) We're not here
now, We're not here now, Don't hang up, Don't hang up, Leave
your name and number, Leave your name and number, We'll call
back, We'll call back.
Hi!! You've reached Janet and Chris's room. We're not in right
now. If this is our parents, we're at the library studying.
Yeah, yeah, that's it, that's the ticket. If this is John,
Chris is out with the girls at the party. Yeah, that's it. If
this is any one else, we're at a party and you're not. Yeah, a
party with the president. Yeah and the... Pope. Yeah that's it.
My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll
leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as
we're finished.
Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone
right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya
likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right...
real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing
our teeth we'll get back to you.
Please leave your name, phone number, the time you called, and
your favorite color of underwear. We'll get back to you if we
like the color.
(Woman, seductively:) Hi, I'm Linda. You know, it can be
really lonely when you're a fashion model. Sometimes I just
have to... (Interrupting:) Oh come on Linda, give me the damn
phone... (Ask them to leave a message.)
Oooooommmmmmmmmmm... (heavy panting and breathing in the
background), Oh! Sorry, I can't come (Oh! Yes! Do it to me)
to the (Oh!) phone right now (pant pant), leave your name and
number at the (scream) (I'm gonna come!) orgasm.
--- can't answer right now because... ---
Dear Caller: As I'm leaving you this message, the sun is
shining for a change. Little children are cavorting in the
park, and their tasty mothers and teenage sisters are sunbathing
practically nude. So, did you really think I was going to stick
around this dump?
Hello, and welcome to Answering Machines of the Rich and Famous!
Sam can't come to the phone right now because he's spending the
week in his beautiful summer home on the French Riviera.
(Airplanes and machine guns in background:) Hi, I'd come to the
phone, but I'm UNDER ATTACK!
(Frantic violin music:) Hello. You have reached 435-3949. We
are currently unable to answer because we are either chasing, or
being chased by, bats. Please leave a message.
(In a good Australian accent:) G'day mate. Can't come to the
phone now because I'm a bit tied up with this crocodile. Just
leave a message, and I'll get back to you.
Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please
leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.
You have reached 843-4734. Please hold while I process your
call. (Pause.) Our extremely sophisticated computer system
performed a trace on your number and was able to match it with
our list of important callers. None of our staff is authorized
to speak with you except for Fred, who is not here right now.
Please leave your name phone number and a brief message at the
tone. Thank you for calling and have a nice day.
I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel
stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if
you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me
something about myself. Thanks.
I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come
to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording
this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to
it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're
listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so
confusing.
I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my
brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings
assume my shape, one of them will get back to you.
I'm unable to take your call in person because I'm having an
out-of-the-body experience. In fact I'm standing right behind
you and I can hear everything you say. But leave me a message
anyway to help me reconnect when I get back.
Steve is reassembling Elvis' brain and can't come to the phone
right now, but if you leave your name...
If this were the best of all possible worlds, I could come to
the phone right now, but I can't, so if you could leave your
name and number...
Hi, this is Jim. Sorry I can't take your call but I'm playing
my guitar too loud to hear the phone ring. Please leave me a
message and I'll call you back at the end of Van Halen-1.
Hi! I can't answer the phone right now. Bob, that's my pet
parakeet, just swallowed a cherry bomb. It wasn't lit, but I've
got to get him to the bathroom. Uh-oh! (Sound of a paper bag
exploding.)
Hello, I'm not here right now. In fact, I'm out getting a new
parakeet. If you leave a message after the beep, I'll be sure
to get back to you. Oh, and by the way, a word of advice; never
try to clean a parakeet cage with a vacuum cleaner.
I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the
basement printing up a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills.
If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my
handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you
need after the tone. If you're from the Department of the
Treasury, please ignore this message.
We can't get to the phone right now because we were killed in
the earthquake. Tragic, isn't it? But, leave a message anyway,
someone is sure to get it eventually.
Hi. This is David. I've shut the ringers off on my phones and
taken a sedative. As soon as I finish this recording I'm going
to bed indefinitely. When I wake up I'll play my messages.
Please leave one.
We're not in cause we're out LOOTING! Leave a message and we'll
call you back and tell you what we got.
(Thug voice:) Uh, hello, Mike and Brian aren't here right now.
They've been kidnapped! So at the beep, leave your name, your
number, your message, and ten thousand dollars in a brown paper
bag.
Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
(or)
Hi there. This is Joe speaking. I'm home right now, and in a
moment, I'll have a decision to make. Leave your name and
number and I'll be thinking about it...
(or)
Bob here. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls. So
start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll
pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?
--- you're in big trouble ---
Hello! I'm on a four state killing spree! WATTA YA WANT?
(or)
Hi, I'm not home because I've gone on a BLOODY RAMPAGE! When I
get home, and CLEAN OFF THE BLOOD, I'll be sure to give you a
call. If I haven't ALREADY COME OVER, that is. (Coughing loony
laughter.)
(Italian Mafia-style voice:) I can't come to the phone right
now. Me and Guido are trying to stuff a body in the trunk. I
think we're going to have to size it a little... (Aside:) HEY
GUIDO! GET THE CHAINSAW! Anyways, leave your name and a
message. If I like it, you'll hear from me. If not, you'll
hear from Guido! (Laughter.)
(Sinister organ music:) Hello, you have reached the Brown
residence. You now have two choices. Number one, you may leave
a message. (Angelic "Hallelujah!") Or number two, suffer
eternal damnation. (Horrid death scream.) You decide.
The machine answering this message is connected to a 5000 volt
power supply, and a relay which is wired to this small kitten.
(Sound of a kitten meowing.) If you hang up before you leave a
message, it will complete the circuit and fry the kitty. The
choice is YOURS!
Leave a message or I'll send 30,000 volts through your phone.
I am an electrical engineer. I can do that.
Being reincarnated as an answering machine is the pits. Keep
your karma clean by leaving your name, number, message, and the
time that you called.
This is Dan Cassidy's answering machine. Please leave your name
and number, and after I've doctored the tape, your message will
implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention
of the FBI.
You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your
voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for
later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use
the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and
immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial
consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists
will contact you in the near future to further explain the
benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of
payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone.
Thank you.
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain
silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by
us.
Shhh! Don't talk, just listen! Meet me at the corner of Broad
and Main and bring the girl. (CLICK)
After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left
the money. I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to
come out of hiding.
My time is billed at $125 per hour. Please begin your message
with your MasterCard or Visa number, card type, and date of
expiration. I'll get back to you pending credit approval.
Hi, this is Jim. Welcome to my Fun Phone Line, where you can
talk to my answering machine for only $0.95 per minute! Please
leave your credit card number at the tone...
--- befuddle the caller ---
(A busy signal.) -- Steven Wright
(Recorded directly from AT&T:) We're sorry, but the number you
dialed is disconnected or no longer in service.
The number you have reached, 226-0477, has been changed. The
new number is 226-0477. (Yes, same number.) Please make a note
of it.
The party you dialed is not available. Your call is being
diverted to an alternate number. Please stand by... (Ring...)
The number you dialed must be dialed by your 0 operator.
(Click, beep, dial tone.)
[Editor: I don't find this one funny. I think it's rude and
immature. But this is a canonical list, and some people think
it's funny, so here it is:] Hello. (Pause.) Hello? (Pause.)
Hello! (Pause.) No, it doesn't look as if I'm in right now.
Maybe you should leave a message or call me back later.
Hello. All of our operators are busy right now, but if you'll
leave your name, telephone number, a brief message, and the time
you called, we'll get back to you as soon as possible. Thank
you and have a pleasant day. (This can dissuade prank and sales
callers who don't know it's really a private line.)
Creamed asparagus! BEEP
All our answering machines are busy. Please hold. (Pause.)
All our answering machines are... (CLICK) This is the
answering machine of...
(Pick up the phone and say:) This is Chris. I'm not here right
now. Leave me a message. BEEP. (Then listen.)
This is Chris. John and Mike aren't here right now, but if you
leave a message, they'll get back to you as soon as they can.
Hello, this is David. I don't live here, so if you were trying
to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand,
if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your
name and number at the tone. I don't guarantee that one of them
will call you back -- only that I won't.
I just got a car phone. I'm not here at the moment. Leave me a
message and I'll call you when I'm out.
This is Jeff, you're not in now, so I'll leave a message.
Hi, can I speak to Mark?... Oh, there isn't?... I'm sorry, I
must have dialed the wrong number.
Wrong number? No sweat, I was going to pick up the phone
anyway.
(Deadpan voice:) Hi, This is Dave. Please leave a message as
soon as possible and I'll get back to you at the sound of the
tone.
Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right
now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call
you back.
Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take a
message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil. (Open a drawer
and shuffle stuff around.) OK, what would you like me to tell
me?
You've reached Mike and Nancy's answering machine. They're not
home right now. At least, I don't think they are. Hang on.
(Voice moves away from recording microphone.) Mike? Nancy?
(Voice comes back.) Nope, they're not here, so at the beep...
This is Anthony. Leave me a message at the beep. (beep)
Whoops, I bet you couldn't hear that. Lemme try again. (Beep)
Nuts, once more with feeling...
(On a male's answering machine, otherwise reverse genders:)
BEEP. (Female voice:) Hi Tony, this is Sheila. I can't stop
thinking about you. When can we get together? I want to grab
you and undress you and then BEEP
We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please
rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.
Hi, you've reached 340-2359. We're not peeb eht retfa egassem
ruoy evael esaelp os ,won thgir emoh. gnillac rof uoy knahT.
Ahhhhhhhhh... ahhhhhhhhhh... (Heavy breathing sounds, like an
obscene phone call.) Oh, nuts, YOU called ME! Sorry. Never
mind. Leave your name and number at the beep.
(And here's a way to befuddle the *callee* rather than the
caller: Record someone's answering machine message as you hear
it, and then play it back to them as your message to them.
Repeat over time until something interesting happens.)
(Another way to befuddle the callee; leave a message like this:
"Hello. This is a message for, message for, message for,
message for," and then hang up.)
--- other play with the caller ---
OK, one more time... This is our answering machine... This is
the message on our answering machine... Any questions?
(Classical music:) This is our answering machine. (Switch to
heavy metal racket:) This is our answering machine on drugs.
(Silence...) Any message?
Thank you for reaching out to us. Nobody is home now. However,
if you leave a message, we'll reach out and touch you.
Hello, this is your local zoo. Do you like animals? We are
experiencing severe problems with hot water. Would you be so
kind as to allow us to bring our elephants over to your bathroom
for a shower? (The most common response: "Well, sure, but my
neighbor's bathroom is bigger and better equipped to handle
elephants.")
You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel
very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and
your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you
will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a
message.
As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on
reality. You begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone... The
telephone is next to an answering machine... You hear a faint
click and a light flashes on the answering machine... You hear
a beep...
This answering machine message is for all you psychics out
there... (Long silence...) BEEP
I don't exist at the moment, but if you leave your message, name
and number, I'll call you back when I am...
(or)
I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your
name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in
person.
I don't want to bore you with metaphysics, but how do you know
this is an answering machine? Maybe it's a dream, or maybe it's
an illusion, or maybe YOU don't really exist. One way to find
out is to leave a message, and if it's reality, I will call you
back.
(With strong east Indian accent:) Hello, you have reached the
existential hotline of Ransheesh. I am currently meditating,
but if you leave your name and which lifeline you are currently
inhabiting at the sound of the Om, I will send good karma waves
and contact you when the stars align properly.
Andy Warhol said that one day everyone will be famous for 15
minutes. Well, your 15 minutes was last week, but since you
weren't ready, we gave it to Vanna White. Sorry.
(Oriental voice:) Hello, you have reached honorable Chan's
residence. I, Kato, will go and get honorable Chan. (Godzilla
scream.) Oh no! Godzilla coming! Please leave name and number
at gong and Chan will call back if house still here.
I'm not at home today, and I might not be home tomorrow. So
please leave a message after the tone. I didn't take a shower
today, and I might not take one tomorrow. So if you don't leave
a message after the tone, you might have to deal with me in
person.
This is Alan. Leave me a message and tell me what I can do
to... I mean, do FOR you.
(Noisy pick-up of phone.) Hi, I'm a burglar and I was just
about to steal Troy's answering machine. If you give me your
name and number I'll... Uh, I'll post it on the fridge where
he'll see it. Uh... By the way, where did you say you live?
If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our
weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we
probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message.
I'm writing the definitive work on pain. I would like you to
tell me how this machine makes you feel. Remember, be honest.
This is for posterity.
(Loud heavy-metal music in background; raspy voice:) Hello,
this is the executioner. Joe can't come to the phone right now
because he's DEAD! Leave a name and number and IF we decide to
resurrect him, he'll call you back.
(or)
Tim's dead! And God only knows where Lisa is! Fortunately
resurrections and divine revelations do tend to occur from time
to time, so leave a message and we'll let you know when the next
miracle occurs.
Random fact number 10: The first manned mission to Jupiter will
be crewed by the Smiths. Random fact number 64: Dairy Queen
discovered cold temperature fusion before the bums in Utah.
Random fact number 36: Bren's not here and he wants you leave a
message. Random fact number 22: Bismarck is the capital of
North Dakota.
In Japan, the hand can be used like a knife. (Heeeeee-YAH!
Sound of smashing box of kleenex.) But this method doesn't work
with a telephone call... (Dial tone.) Introducing the all-new
Ginsu answering machine! It cuts, it chops, it slices, it dices
your incoming calls! How much would you pay? Don't answer,
because if you leave your name and number when you hear the
tone, we'll throw in a return phone call ABSOLUTELY FREE!
Hi, this is Jim. Thanks for calling during my spring pledge
drive. A basic membership is only $30, and a $60 pledge gets
you an "I love Jim Shea" T-shirt. Please wait for the tone, and
thank you for your pledge.
(Drunken voice:) You have reached Bob's hotline. We are not
able to respond due to uninevitable circumcisions. But if you
leave your name and noomber, we won't be in wonder... pa-a-a-a!
Hello, this is Marlin's answering machine reminding you that
yesterday was the last day of the previous period of your life.
After the beep you can tell me how it was, or leave some other,
informative message. Thanks.
I can't come to the phone now, so... Hey -- that's a nice phone
you have there. Hey sugar, you call this number often? I bet
you have answering machines bothering you all the time... Yes
indeedy. Why don't you give me a call sometime and we can
listen to some old recordings... I might even play my beep for
you.
(Ominous electronic background music:) In honor of Halloween,
I'm about to perform an unspeakable pagan ritual. So please
leave a message. Unless you're a virgin, in which case, why
don't you stop by? SINT MIHI DEI ACHERONTIS PROPITII...
--- science fiction ---
Bridge, Kirk here.
Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? --
Captain, there is a transmission coming in on hailing frequency
seven, do you want it on screen?
(Star Trek theme in the background:)
(Voice 1:) Room 17, the final frontier.
(Voice 2:) These are the messages of Chad's answering machine.
Its two semester mission: To seek out your name and
your telephone number.
(Voice 3:) To boldly inform you to wait for the tone.
Hello, you've reached 344-1312, the Apartment at the End of the
Universe. Please leave your message, name and number at the
sound of the tone. Keep your hands, feet, extremities and
obscenities inside the car at all times. Enjoy your ride.
(Darth Vader voice:) Speak, worm!
Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Marlin can't come to
the phone right now. He's either saving the universe from some
dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie. Leave your
name and number after the beep and he will return your call.
A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to
a channeler in the 23rd century. Any message you leave will be
broadcast into the future.
You have reached the offices of the planet Zarton. All our
agents are busy undermining the governments of the Earth and
cannot come to phone at the moment. However, your name and
number can be left at the tone and a representative will gladly
contact you shortly to arrange for your assimilation into the
new order. Long groblint the ultimate blenstron.
Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can't come to the
phone right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a
message, I'll have him call you back as soon as he gets away.
Read all about it in next week's National Enquirer.
Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone
right now because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and
I'm still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the
phone right now, the resulting energy release would make
Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. So leave a message at
the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as my component
particles have been restored to their normal charges.
--- brevity ---
I'm gone.
(Klingon voice:) ANSWERING MACHINE. SPEAK.
This is David. Talk to me.
You have reached 555-6238. Why?
This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your
you-know-what you-know-when.
You have reached 234-1243. This is an answering machine. This
is the nineties. You know what to do.
You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a
message after the beep.
This is a boring answering machine message. Leave a message
anyway. (Useful to keep people from calling at odd hours to
hear your latest exciting message.)
(Classical music in background, slow stoned voice:) Don't you
ever wonder what life would be like? ...
--- miscellaneous ---
(For Shakespeare lovers only:)
So long as phones can ring and eyes can see,
So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.
This is 234-3249, and no, it's not Pete's Pizzaria. It's not
the Credit Union either, and no one named Pam lives here. You
can leave a message though.
Hi. Do you ever feel, like, your head is full of sand, not your
regular loose sand mind you, but compacted sand, and there were
like, I dunno, bugs or something jumping up and down on the
compacted sand? Well, sometimes I do. Bye.
Bullwinkle: Hey, Rocky, somebody called while we weren't home.
Watch me pull their message out of this machine!
Rocky: Again?
Bullwinkle: Nuthin' up my sleeve... PRESTO! (Sound of vicious
dog barking, stops abruptly.)
Bullwinkle: Must have been a wrong number.
Rocky: Here's a chance for you to REALLY leave your message.
(Recorded during a party:)
HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB
yeah!! we're having a party!! come on over! B
mike's not home right now!! Look out! E
Hey what are you doing? Careful it might spill. E
Was that the phone ringing? P
(A friend was at a mutual friend's sister's house, and when she
went out for beer, he changed her answering machine message. In
a loud, deep, gravelly, horror-film voice he recorded:) Hi,
this is Kathy. I'm not myself right now. If you leave your
name and number, I'll get back to you when I'm feeling better.
--- farewell ---
These words are lovely dark and deep
But I've got promises to keep
and miles to go before I sleep
So leave a message at the beep.
Now I lay me down to sleep;
Leave a message at the beep.
If I die before I wake,
Remember to erase the tape.