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Disclaimer: This humor does not reflect the thoughts or opinions of either myself, my company, my friends, or my cat; don't quote me on that; don't quote me on anything; all rights reserved; jokes are subject to change without notice; jokes are slightly enlarged to show detail; any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is unintentional and purely coincidental; do not remove this joke under penalty of law; hand wash only, tumble dry on low heat; elvis seen in the vicinity, do not bend, fold, mutilate, or spindle; your mileage may vary; no substitutions allowed; for a limited time only; this offer is void where prohibited, taxed, or otherwise restricted; caveat emptor; product is provided "as is" without any warranties; user assumes full responsibility; an equal opportunity joke employer; no shoes, no shirt, no jokes; quantities are limited while supplies last; if any defects are discovered, do not attempt to fix them yourself, but return to an authorized service center; read at your own risk; parental advisory - explicit lyrics; text may contain explicit materials some readers may find objectionable, parental guidance is advised; keep away from sunlight; keep away from pets and small children; limit one-per-family please; no money down; no purchase necessary; you need not be present to win; some assembly required; batteries not included; instructions are included; action figures sold separately; no preservatives added; slippery when wet; safety goggles may be required during use; sealed for your protection, do not use if safety seal is broken; call before you dig; notliable for damages arising from use or misuse; for external use only; if rash, irritation, redness, or swelling develops, discontinue use; use only with proper ventilation; avoid extreme temperatures and store in a cool dry place; keep away from open flames; avoid contact with eyes and skin and avoid inhaling fumes; do not puncture, incinerate, or store above 120 degrees Fahrenheit; do not place near a flammable or magnetic source; smoking these jokes could be hazardous to your health; the best safeguard, second only to abstinence, is the use of a condom; no salt, MSG, artificial color or flavoring added; if ingested, do not induce vomiting, and if symptoms persist, consult a physician; jokes are ribbed for your pleasure; possible penalties for early withdrawal; offer valid only at participating Usenet sites; allow four to six weeks for delivery; must be 18 to enter; disclaimer does not cover misuse, accident, lightning, flood, tornado, tsunami, volcanic eruption, earthquake, hurricanes and other Acts of God, neglect, damage from improper installation, incorrect line voltage, improper or unauthorized repair, broken antenna or marred cabinet, missing or altered serial numbers, electromagnetic radiation from nuclear blasts, sonic boom vibrations, customer adjustments that are not covered in the joke list, and incidents owing to an airplane crash, ship sinking or taking on water, motor vehicle crashing, dropping the item, falling rocks, leaky roof, broken glass, mud slides, forest fire, or projectile (which can include, but not be limited to, arrows, bullets, shot, BB's, shrapnel, lasers, napalm, torpedoes, or emissions of X-rays, Alpha, Beta and Gamma rays, knives, stones, etc.); other restrictions may apply.  If something offends you, lighten up, get a life, and move on.....

Updated - 4 May, 2002